“How was your day?” “Fine.” It’s not exactly illuminating conversation, is it? Unfortunately, many kids with ADHD don’t leap at the opportunity to talk to Mom and Dad about how their day at school went — especially if it went poorly. Here’s how parents can encourage better communication (hint: it starts by asking the right questions).

Kids don’t like to share their thoughts and feelings about school, especially if they have had a rough day. Unfortunately, many children diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) have a lot of rough days at school. Many of them find school a slog — seven hours of falling short of expectations and feeling bad about themselves. Who would want to talk about those experiences every day?

Liz Evans, a mother of three and a former educator who blogs at Simple Simon and Company (simplesimonandco.com), wanted to get more out of her two tight-lipped children, Simon and Grace. When she asked how school was, they grunted “Fine” or “Good.” Nothing else.

Evans wanted more feedback, as many parents do. So she blogged about a list of questions to ask that get them talking. According to Evans, some questions have led to interesting conversations, hilarious answers, and insights into how her children think and feel about school. Her question-and-answer strategy worked. Simon and Grace started speaking in full sentences. If your child is quiet about school, try out some of Evans’s questions on him or her:

1. What was the best thing that happened at school today? (What was the worst thing that happened at school today?)
2. Tell me something that made you laugh today.
3. Whom would you like to sit by in class? (Whom would you not want to sit by in class? Why?)
4. Where is the coolest place at the school?
5. Tell me a weird word that you heard today (or something weird that someone said).
6. If I called your teacher tonight, what would she tell me about you?
7. How did you help somebody today?
8. How did somebody help you today?
9. Tell me one thing that you learned today.
10. When were you the happiest today?
11. When were you bored today?
12. If an alien spaceship came to your class and beamed someone up, who would you want them to take?
13. Who would you like to play with at recess whom you’ve never played with before?
14. Tell me something good that happened today.
15. What word did your teacher say the most today?
16. What do you think you should do/learn more of at school?
17. What do you think you should do/learn less of at school?
18. Who in your class do you think you could be nicer to?
19. Where do you play the most at recess?
20. Who is the funniest person in your class? Why is he/she so funny?
21. What was your favorite part of lunch?

Evans’s favorite answers came from questions 12, 15, and 21. The “alien” question gives kids a non-threatening way to say who they would rather not have in their class, and encourage a discussion to ask why, potentially uncovering issues you didn’t know about.

“When I asked question 3,” says Evans, “I discovered that one of my children didn’t want to sit by a best friend in class anymore — not out of a desire to be mean but in the hope that she’d get the chance to work with other people.”

“As my kids get older,” says Evans, “I know I’m going to have to work harder to stay engaged with them — but it’s going to be worth the work.

If your child has ADHD, give her some alone time — you just might be blown away by her creativity, and she’ll get a major self-esteem boost.

Giving time, space, and freedom to middle-schoolers with ADHD to do what they want to do, without criticism, works wonders for their confidence. Downtime gets their dopamine flowing, not only through the thinking parts of the brain but the reward centers as well. It may be the only time of the day that they feel comfortable in their skin.

For kids with ADHD, any pressure to achieve can cause tension and discouragement. Children with ADHD are especially sensitive to criticism. It takes a lot of positive responses to counteract one negative response. And it’s hard for them to get positive responses when day-to-day tasks seem boring, they are struggling to meet other people’s goals, and they are discouraged from thinking outside the box.

Life on the Wild Side

Kids with ADHD show their creativity best when they are left to their own devices. Natural improv comedians, they pick something up and think, “What can I do with this?” “I wonder what would happen if…”

How can parents help their kids express their authentic selves? Here’s how.

TIME: Don’t over-schedule your child’s time. Allow him time to do nothing. He (and his friends) will fill the time with something. It’s no secret that kids with ADHD have an abundance of creativity, just looking for an outlet.

SPACE: Creativity is usually messy. Set aside part of a basement or garage for your child’s projects. Or give the kitchen over to him for an afternoon. Some middle-schoolers I know do their projects at one end of a walk-in closet or in a tree house.

MATERIALS: Help your child to assemble a mini-junkyard — duct tape, wire hangers, round oatmeal boxes, shoe boxes and Styrofoam packing, cardboard tubes, scraps of fabric or wood, things with parts missing, old wheels from a toy. Other raw materials are paper, pens, and markers.

FREEDOM: Once equipped, don’t tie your child’s hands or mind with rules and directions. Forgo critiques, unless safety requires otherwise. One 13-year-old I know told her mom she wanted to make a dress. The mother gave her some remnants, needles, and thread, and let her try.

The daughter was happy with the shapeless garment she created, and happy enough with the experience of making the dress, but her mother’s response was, “I thought you wanted to make a real dress.” Instead of a put-down, she could have said, “I like those colors together” or “That was fast.”

Offer help; don’t urge it. If the child is disappointed in the results, and says, “This is crooked,” or “I thought it would turn out bigger/different/straighter,” that is the time to say, “If you want, I’ll show you how to use a pattern” or “There are ways to prevent that. Let me know if you want me to show you how.” If you take over their projects, kids will feel inadequate and afraid that their interests are not up to your expectations.

[How “Making Connections” Helps Kids with ADHD]

When a parent shows confidence in his middle-schooler’s choices, and encourages her to follow her own plan or whim, that confidence is contagious. She learns that her choices are sometimes right, that her personality is OK, and that it is fine to do things because they feel right, even if they don’t serve someone else’s purpose.

“Look What I Did!”

Some kids I know with ADHD have used their downtime to:

• Cut a large bamboo cane and make six-ounce drinking glasses from it.
• Dam up a small stream. When the dam broke, they built a bridge over it.
• Write poetry, stories, jokes, and even chapters of a novel or autobiography while trapped in the car on a family road trip.
• Transplant sprouted acorns and other tree seedlings into a “tree farm,” and tend it for several years.
• Write, stage, rehearse, shoot, and edit a video.
• Train a dog to shake hands with either front paw.

From the William & Mary School of Education web site . . .

What is the 2e at William & Mary Conference? 

The 2e @ W&M: Twice Exceptional Conference focuses on twice-exceptional (high-ability/gifted with learning differences/disabilities or neurodiverse) children at home and school.  The conference aims to provide information, resources, support, and community building opportunities to educators, administrators, parents, practitioners, counselors, and district personnel.

When is the conference?

This time, the 2e at W&M Conference is online February 24-25, 2023. The 2021 and 2022 conferences were also online and are available for purchase below.

2023 Registration Information

• Full Conference: $200
• Full Conference Early Bird: $175 (until Jan. 9th)
• Parent Only Sessions: $100
• W&M Students: $30
• Division Access (up to 15 participants): $2,000

See the conference web site for details on schedule, presenters, and registration.

From 12/15/2022 Argonne National Laboratory email:

Are your female students curious about science and the world around them? Are they natural problem solvers? Are they compelled to understand how things work? Have them come join Argonne National Laboratory in exploring the world of engineering and science at the 21st Annual Introduce a Girl to Engineering Day (IGED).

WHO:

8th grade girls interested in STEM

WHEN:

Friday, February 17, 2023

8:00 a.m. – 4:00 p.m.

WHERE:

Argonne National Laboratory

TCS Conference Center

9700 S Cass Ave, Lemont, IL 60439

HOW:

Register Online by January 27, 2023 to be entered into the lottery.

Click here for complete details and registration.

From Educational Programs at Argonne National Laboratory 9/14/2022 email . . .

ARGONNE EDUCATION TEEN ADVISORY COUNCIL

Council Seeks High School Students To Share Their Voices

The Argonne Education Teen Advisory Council (ATAC) is an opportunity for young people to strengthen the impact of Argonne’s educational programs by providing feedback on current and future activities. While the ATAC is not a hands-on STEM program, as a member, you’ll have access to STEM professionals and resources that align with your interests in a variety of fields. You’ll also have the opportunity to virtually learn what it’s like to work at a United States Department of Energy (DOE) national laboratory.

Membership on the ATAC is a commitment that requires you to contribute your time, energy, and ideas for the council. We will meet virtually every Thursday after school and occasionally meet in person at Argonne National Laboratory in Lemont and Argonne in Chicago at Harper Court. This council will run from November through May 2023.

Applications Due October 15, 2022. Click here for complete details and to apply.

Strong executive function skills often make all the difference between daily family stress over academics and helping your child become more independent and successful in school.

What is one way parents can help their kids stay better organized throughout the school year?

Sunday sessions can be an integral part of your child’s success. When parents sit down with their children on Sunday to explore the week ahead, they position themselves as partners, which helps to create and maintain a cooperative and productive dynamic in the family.

During these sessions, students and parents should include their commitments and tasks for the week and discuss what will be necessary to ensure everyone’s responsibilities and needs are met. The “We are all in this together” message is powerful!

Watch this video to see Educational Connections Founder and President Ann Dolin, M.Ed., explain how Sunday Sessions work and why they’re so effective.

How to Hold a Sunday Session:

1. Set aside a few moments to discuss the week ahead with your child. This can happen during Sunday dinner or whatever time you decide works best for your family.
   
2. Tell your child, “Let’s talk about the week ahead.” Then ask them, “Do you have any tests or big projects coming up this week?”
   
3. At this time, ask your child to get out their computer and open their LMS (Schoology, Canvas, or whichever platform their teachers use for assignments).
   
4. Your child can then write down all of their big tasks for the week.

By preparing for the week ahead, your child will go to school on Monday organized and aware of what’s coming up instead of just showing up blind to the week ahead.

Punishing disruptive behaviors in the classroom that stem from ADHD will do little to change behavior. Luckily, teaching executive function skills to these students can help minimize blurting out in class, talking too much, and leaving assigned seats.

Talking too much. Leaving an assigned seat. Blurting out in class. These disruptive behaviors — commonly associated with ADHD — are often misperceived as intentional misbehavior. In reality, they are clues pointing to a child’s delayed brain maturity and executive dysfunction.

Disciplining or punishing this disruptive behavior will do very little; to influence change, parents and educators must look deeper to solve the executive function deficits at behaviors’ core. Below are common school behaviors rooted in inhibition and impulsivity problems, and strategies for each. Keep in mind that younger students with ADHD may lack the language skills to understand instructions or to express their emotions. They may become easily frustrated and scream, cry, bite, or hit others.

Inhibition Challenge #1: Talking Too Much or Blurting Out in Class

• Post and regularly review a Voice Level Chart: outside voice, presentation voice, partner & group work, whisper, silent (for classwork).
• Remind students that “work time” is “silent time.”
• Teach students to take a quick water break and stretch if they feel tempted to talk during “silent time,” or quietly move away from a classmate who disrupts them.
• Take a picture of the student raising her hand and waiting for help. Tape the picture to her desk as a reminder.
• Give the student a small color-coded flip chart that indicates three levels of work status:
  • green – “I’m working fine”
  • yellow – “I need help but I can keep working”
  • red – “I need help and I can’t keep working.”
• Teach students to write down comments or questions, especially during “silent time.”

[Download: The Big List of ADHD School Resources from ADDitude]

Inhibition Challenge #2: Leaving an Assigned Seat or Fidgeting

• Seat a fidgety student at the end of the row for more mobility and allow them to stand, kneel, or sit on their knees at the desk.
• Assign two workstations so the student can move desks for different subjects.
• Take a snapshot of the student sitting at their desk or tape it in a visible spot. Discuss and practice the desired behavior.

Inhibition Challenge #3: Losing Focus and Finding Distractions

• Increase activity levels and student interactions in lessons, and give students 5-minute brain breaks between sessions.
• Use a variety of teaching strategies — lecture, worksheet, white board work, and team collaboration or game play — within each lesson.
• Pre-record a 10- to 12-minute lecture so students can work at their own pace with ear buds. Group students to discuss answers and complete worksheets together.

Inhibition at School: Next Steps

• Download: Free Guide to Solving Behavior Problems Rooted in Executive Function Deficits
• Download: The Teacher’s Guide to Common Learning Challenges
• Read: The Testing Ground for Executive Functions? Sixth Grade
• Use: The Educator’s Guide to Executive Functions – How to Understand and Support Students in Need

Young Scholars Academy has opened its Fall courses for twice-exceptional and neurodivergent students to help them thrive, socialize, and expand their learning within a strength-driven curriculum. 

YSA fall courses include Dungeons and Dragons and Improvisation for social skills, College prep courses such as AP, Young and Thriving for middle school students high school students, and Adulting and Thriving for high school seniors getting ready for college, College Companions to support college freshman, and interest-based classes such a Climate Change Combatants. 

If your child is craving socialization, knowledge, and confidence this fall, check out their offerings here. 

Traditional time-outs rely on the “crazy idea that to make children do better, we must first make them feel worse.” This can be especially harmful for children with ADHD, who often rebel against this old-school discipline strategy. Improve your child’s behavior — and his self-esteem — by introducing him to new, improved time-outs.

But do time outs really work? Unfortunately, using a time-out as a punitive method with kids diagnosed with ADHD may turn out to be counterproductive. Two prominent researchers, Thomas Zentall, Ph.D., and Sydney Zentall, Ph.D., have commented the effects of time-outs: “In general, time-out periods appear to be aversive to hyperactive children. If isolation really has a calming effect on hyperactive children, one would expect to see reduced activity during the time-out periods. However, we noted increased rather than decreased activity levels.” This may occur due to the need for many under-aroused kids to create their own stimulation in a place (the corner) that has very low levels of stimulation. Even if a punitive time-out controls a child’s behavior in the short run, it may come at the cost of the child’s self-respect.

How Offering Children Choices Improves Time-Outs

Child discipline expert Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., counsels parents to tell kids that it can be helpful to have a place where they can go when they feel upset or out of control. In their designated spot, they can do things to make themselves feel better, or to put themselves in a state of mind that will allow them to face the problem in a constructive manner.

[Free Resource: 50 Tips for Disciplining a Child with ADHD]

Nelsen suggests that the children be the ones to decide when they need to go to a time-out area. She even recommends that parents get a timer and have children set it to the amount of time they need to get themselves together. Places to go for time-outs could be anywhere: a bedroom, a special chair, or a bench on the school playground. If children associate the words “time-out” with punishment, rename the space: Call it the thinking corner, quiet space, home base, energy place, or chill-out spot. In this space, children begin to see the area as a place for renewal, not a place for feeling bad about themselves.

To those skeptical about the positive time-out, Nelsen insists that it can work if parents give the tactic enough time (three to six weeks), and if they adopt a positive attitude of encouragement and respect for their child. “Where did we ever get the crazy idea,” Nelsen writes, “that to make children do better, we must first make them feel worse?” A positive time-out gives kids a way to get a grip on their own behavior, and allows them to take a role in becoming capable people.

Excerpted with permission from The Myth of the ADHD Child: 101 Ways to Improve Your Child’s Behavior and Attention Span Without Drugs, Labels, or Coercion, by Thomas Armstrong, Ph.D. ©2017 by Thomas Armstrong. TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Random House.

How Can I Give a Smarter Time-Out?

Because you’re changing the purpose of a time-out from passive punishment to working out problems, suggest activities that your child can do in the time-out area to help him gain control and feel better. Possibilities include:

[Free Parent Resource: ADHD Discipline Strategies]

• Visualizing an image that helps him cope (a special place in nature, a favorite trip, or an imaginary journey).
• Meditating (focus attention on the inflow and outflow of breath, notice distractions that pop up, and return to focus on the breath).
• Doing physical relaxation exercises (the yoga pose called the Cat) or imagining that you’re in a cozy elevator. As you feel it slowly descend, you feel more relaxed.
• Thinking about, writing down, or drawing the solutions to his or her problem.

ADHD Discipline: Next Steps

School shootings and mass tragedies are saddeningly common in the U.S. today — and kids are picking up on our fear and anger. How can troubled parents and educators reassure children?

As caregivers, we want to show up fully for our children in these troubled times. It’s natural to want to protect them, even as we struggle to comfort ourselves. Our kids have this amazing antenna that can pick up on and absorb our stress. They notice when we’re feeling worried or a little bit off balance. And at this time when so many of us are feeling powerless and helpless by school shootings and gun violence, our kids are detecting and intensifying those emotions.

Many of us are scared, angry, frustrated and worn out. How can we counsel our kids and relieve their school anxiety when it’s so obvious to everyone that something is terribly wrong?

Step One: Prioritize Your Mental Health

To reassure your child following a school shooting or other act of violence, you first need to manage yourself. You need to process your own reactions before you attempt to talk with your kids. You may feel shut down, you may feel incredulous, enraged, or devastated.

If you are a survivor of gun violence yourself or you know someone who is, you may be overwhelmed with re-experiencing your own trauma while trying to manage your kids’ reactions. Talk about what’s going on with someone who cares, who understands, and who will offer you the support you need — whether that’s a professional or caring friend or family member. Keep your side of the street as emotionally clean as possible before you do anything.

Step Two: Listen First, Then Validate

We need to maintain our curiosity about how our kids are doing without necessarily giving them direct advice about what they should think or do. We want to be a listener first and a responder second. It helps to offer validation for whatever they are thinking or feeling. Ultimately, the goal is to teach them some skills for self-soothing and effective coping mechanisms in life, but right now they need to know that adults in their world are taking their safety and security seriously. Engage in conversations that explore personal and environmental supports and options for them to pursue when feeling uncertain to reduce worry and foster confidence.

[Free Download: Rate Your Coping Strategies]

Step Three: Respond Appropriately

Before you say anything about current events, it’s important to do two things. First, consider what you want to say and, secondly, reflect on how you want to present information to your child based on their age and developmental level. Tweens and teens are going to be much more informed and opinionated. They may have their own ideas about what’s causing gun violence or other disturbing current events. Discuss those opinions with them in an open conversation.

Listen and ask questions; this isn’t a debate but a chance to hear their thoughts and concerns.

On the other hand, children under the age of 10 can be frightened by headlines about school shootings or disturbing images related to the war in Ukraine. They might not seek out the news themselves but rather hear things from their peers.

Give younger kids a one- or two-sentence summary about what’s happened so they’re informed, but not scared. Answer their questions honestly, but not extensively. They don’t need to know a lot of the details that could upset them further. If they hear what’s happened from other people or express distress about it, then inquire about their knowledge. If they don’t feel like talking, that’s fine. Just stay open and available for when they approach you to chat.

[Self-Test: Does My Child Have Generalized Anxiety Disorder?]

Step Four: Maintain Consistency

Maintain as normal a routine as possible so that your child’s concerns do not fill up all their conversations or brain space. Routine is very grounding for kids, so maintain your normal everyday schedule so that they know what’s expected of them. Leave openings for conversations but don’t force them. Most kids will talk when they are ready.

Step Five: Don’t Dismiss Their Concerns

When comforting our kids, our knee-jerk reaction is often to reassure them. We tell them it’s going to be okay, or we dismiss their concerns, saying “Don’t worry, it’ll be fine.” Well, there’s no absolute guarantee that bad things will never happen. We cannot reassure our children or tell them that with a straight face. But what we can say is that the probability of a school shooting is low. We can explain what personal and external resources they can use reliably in stressful situations. We can help them learn to name their worry or fear by saying, “I am afraid. I am scared, and what I’m going to do about it or who I’m going to talk to.”

Step Six: Keep a Watchful Eye

When there’s disturbing news and you are talking to children about sensitive issues, it’s important to monitor both their immediate reactions and their overall well-being. Look for behaviors such as excessive worry, school or summer camp avoidance, sadness, crying, increased irritation, withdrawal, poor eating, changes in sleep habits or difficulty enjoying previously pleasurable activities. These are all warning signs. If you start to see them and notice a pattern, then please consult with a professional: your pediatrician, a school counselor, or even a therapist.

Soothing Anxious Children: Next Steps

• Read: The Heartbreak of Childhood Anxiety
• Watch: Anxiety in Children: Overlooked Signs and Effective Supports
• Listen: Signs of Anxiety